Every time National Novel Writing Month comes around, I see countless blog posts going around filled with motivation, inspiring quotes and pretty great advice for all the crazy NaNo-doers. At first I thought, why not jump on that trend and write a brilliantly inspiring post for my followers? Then I thought nah. Why do that when I can torture you with some terrible advice instead? So here it is: the most useless writing advice you will ever receive, courtesy of me and a handful of my wonderful Twitter buddies.
Beautiful.
I would seriously advise all writers to follow these tips for instant success. I would also seriously advise that you not take me seriously. There are only 9 more days until NaNoWriMo ends so start slacking, type slower and get rid of all caffeinated beverages in your house because it's an important week and you need to nap more.
A huge thanks and high-fives all round to my brilliant Twitter followers for sharing their terrible writing tips. You never fail to amuse me.
Writing tip: Get a cat. Not sure how that helps but cats are pretty darn cute & fluffy. Also, get an armchair that spins. Also, become evil.
— Destructo Girl (@sk_sophia) March 6, 2014
I started off with this one because I honestly think it's some solid writing advice. Especially the last point. We all know villains have the best stories and we really should write what we know...
@sk_sophia Keep a document open at all times. Occasionally write a word or two. When the 'sentence' looks long enough slap on a period. #BAM
— Lisa M. Collins (@coolvstar650) November 16, 2015
This is incredible advice. Following it will ensure that you write at least one book every ten goddamn years.
@sk_sophia Depression and drinking are the key to writing the great American novel.
— Wesley McCraw (@WesleyMcCraw) November 20, 2015
Is the great American novel a tear-stained page? If yes then I've already written it. But nice try, Wesley. Nice try.
@sk_sophia @madicienne If someone has a higher word count, quit now, because you'll never be THAT person.
— Tia RAGEFACE MCAVOY (@tiakall) November 17, 2015
Fantastic advice from Tia! And she's obviously so very right. Just quit and get a job you hate. It'll be fun!
A character giving you trouble while writing? Kill them in a most spectacularly painful way! #seangiveswritingtips #amwriting #writeflow
— Sean Burkett (@SeanBurkett) September 1, 2013
I live by this advice. All of my characters are currently dead. Every single one of them. This strategy has done wonders for my very, very short novels!
Writing tip: Open up laptop. Put pillow on keyboard. Lay your head down to rest for a sec. Take an 8 hour nap. Wake up crying. #NaNoWriMo
— Destructo Girl (@sk_sophia) November 9, 2015
This has somewhat become a daily ritual for me, especially during this grave month of NaNoWriMo when writers sacrifice themselves for a certificate and free stuff.
@sk_sophia Write what you know--EXACTLY what you know. Don't do any research whatsoever or try new viewpoints. Write your life as a book.
— B. Lynch (@BLynchBooks) November 19, 2015
Only idiots write about what they don't know. Research? Pfft. Yeah, right, okay I'll "research" to make my story more comprehensive and realistic. Terrible idea, guys. Terrible.
@sk_sophia Write scenes for your favorite TV show until it's novel length and just change the names.
— Wesley McCraw (@WesleyMcCraw) November 20, 2015
Or just take a published book, change the names and locations and then republish it! Yay!
@sk_sophia Editing is for losers who can't get everything right in the first draft. Real writers write perfect drafts.
— B. Lynch (@BLynchBooks) November 19, 2015
Hell yes. If your first draft isn't publishing material, then you've failed and you should burn your laptop and all of your notes.
@sk_sophia Wait for the muse to strike you. Cultivating a daily writing practice is for small-minded people who never amount to anything.
— B. Lynch (@BLynchBooks) November 19, 2015
Wow. This is beautiful. I'm doing it. I'm tearing up. So good.
Seriously though, the worst writing advice I ever received from @haszombiesinit was "Try this rose-flavored vodka."
— Thom Dunn! (@thomdunn) November 19, 2015
Worst? WORST? This is genius. Give her everything you own.
@sk_sophia I think "write sober, edit drunk" is fairly terrible advice.
— digger (@stumbling_dark) November 19, 2015
This is fairly similar to my "write drunk, edit drunk" advice. You probably won't get much writing done if you follow this but you'll have a kickass nap (and dreams are basically fictional so really napping is research).
Actual worst writing advice came from a college advisor who told me at 21 that I squandered my life away and should be ashamed. @sk_sophia
— Thom Dunn! (@thomdunn) November 19, 2015
Buy him a beer. Also, punch him in the face. Also, don't do that last one. He was right. We should all be ashamed of our AWESOMENESS.
@sk_sophia Spend all your time on Twitter coming up with bad writing advice.
— Wesley McCraw (@WesleyMcCraw) November 20, 2015
I'M ON TRACK!
Writing tip: Summon the dark lord and sacrifice your soul in exchange for a bestselling idea.
— Destructo Girl (@sk_sophia) March 5, 2014
*wipes away tear* Beautiful.
I would seriously advise all writers to follow these tips for instant success. I would also seriously advise that you not take me seriously. There are only 9 more days until NaNoWriMo ends so start slacking, type slower and get rid of all caffeinated beverages in your house because it's an important week and you need to nap more.
A huge thanks and high-fives all round to my brilliant Twitter followers for sharing their terrible writing tips. You never fail to amuse me.
Before I go, here's a puppy in a cup: